Potty Training for the Parent Who Doesn't Want to Spend Money on Training Books

About two months ago I began potty training my 40-month-old daughter. At nearly twice the recommended age for training, according to various websites I came across during my research, I decided that she was more than ready, despite the fact that she was completely opposed to interrupting her playtime to pee or poop in a bucket.

For months I had been using Pull-Ups, glorified diapers with wider and stretchier side tabs. When she was an infant, I swore that I wouldn't use them, as they were twice the price of regular diapers with half the absorbency; a rip off. However, my mom insisted I use them with my daughter, because she thought that my baby would do better with them than I had. On a side note, don't you love how people think they know your baby better than you do? She says with sarcasm... Anyway, my daughter did not take advantage of the flexibility of the Pull-Ups, as pretty much all children do, and continued to treat them as diapers. Why go sit on the potty when my mommy will just change me when I'm dirty?

The first step I took to her potty training revolution was to get rid of the Pull-Ups. I posted an ad on Craigslist for them (might as well give them to a sucker than throw them away), and placed them in the highest shelf in the closet where I would need a ladder to reach them, so as not to be tempted if things became unbearable. Then, I introduced my daughter to underwear. I explained to her that underwear was not the same as a diaper: a diaper you can pee and poop in, but it's not OK to pee and poop in underwear. I had my daughter feel the inside of a clean diaper, how it felt like a paper towel or something you clean up messes with and throw away. Then, she felt the underwear, which is just like her shirts and pants, which we put in the laundry when they get dirty. I continued to lecture her on the differences between diapers and underwear until she could tell me that diapers are OK to pee and poop in, and underwear is not OK to pee and poop in, and that diapers go in the trash, while underwear goes in the laundry.

• Do away with Pull-Ups or forgo them completely
• Use underwear only, and do not under any circumstances go back to Pull-Ups; you will undo progress
• Make sure she understands that you don't pee or poop in underwear and that she she can recite it back to you when prompted

Some sites I came across during my research suggested the "Naked"  method, which is basically letting your child roam the house in the buff while he is learning to use the potty. I found this slightly impractical, as accidents will happen, and its better to have an accident that is easy to clean up in the tub or laundry than in the carpet or couch. Also, a child can become accustomed to being nude after a long period of time, and will resist being dressed when it's necessary to go out and run errands. So, I found a happy medium: I dressed my daughter in underwear and a shirt on our days in, that way if we needed to go out, pants and socks were all that was needed; she was already half dressed, so she wouldn't give me a hard time when I had to get her dressed completely, and she could manage pulling down her underwear all on her own. Some parents I talked to about training girls specifically recommended putting her in a dress to make emergency dressing easier, but I found that it could potentially be more work when my daughter used the toilet and her dress fell in the bowl behind her, requiring a complete change of clothes; with just a shirt, no clothing gets in the way. And during the summer, if that's when you choose to train, keep them out of socks if possible, because pee and poop accidents alike can soil them and require more changing than necessary.

• Shirt and underwear is the easiest way to dress them and most beneficial learning-wise, to teach them to pull up underwear from the get-go, and to make accident clean-up easier; dresses can make more work than necessary
• Teach your child to pull up their underwear using the hand-over-hand method, so they can actually feel how their hands and arms should move to maneuver the underwear over the buttocks

Now on to the actual potty. You may be debating, child's own potty seat, or seat for over the grown-up toilet? One article I read said to just get a seat for over the porcelain throne, because "why would you buy a smaller version of something you already have?" Well, I weighed the pros and cons of each device, and came to the conclusion that it was a toss-up. If your child has a hard time climbing up on the adult-sized seat, then go ahead and get a toddler potty seat for him. If you wanna argue that there's no space for another seat in your bathroom, go ahead; I just wanna know where you're putting the stool that he's likely using to climb up on the toilet, because the space that it takes up when it's not being used could probably be better occupied by a potty bucket if your child is struggling. In addition, children are more likely to use something that is made for them, rather than something that is shared. Besides, if you're still unsure of which to get, know that most toddler potty buckets have a seat that is removable, so you are prepared if your child is more comfortable with a little seat, or is more determined to use the big-kid loo.

• First-time trainers should opt for a child's potty chair with removable seat for over the regular toilet
• Don't hesitate to get whatever device your child will feel comfortable with: comfort at this formidable age is what leads to success
• If your child uses the small potty chair, keep it in the bathroom, do not place it in the living room or the child's bedroom, and also not the kitchen. Your child should not be lead to believe that it is OK to sit on the potty for longer than necessary, just because they're in front of a TV or have several toys in reach. Leave one or two books next to the potty in the bathroom to help them get relaxed and get the job done, but so they do not stay on the potty longer than necessary
• Potties should be kept out of the kitchen, especially in households with multiple siblings or elderly. Although kitchens generally have an expanse of easily-cleaned tile, it's just a gross place to keep a potty; it's rude and unappreciated

So, how to I get my kid to actually want to use the potty? Universally, the best technique is praise. Praise leads to repeating the actions that got them the praise. Be specific about what you're praising them for. "I'm so glad you made it to the potty so that you didn't make a pee-pee accident", "You did a good job coming and telling mommy you had to poop while we were at the playground", you get the idea: be specific.

Many sites I came across in my research recommended a tangible reward, such as stickers or candy.I'm not a fan of the sweets idea for two reasons: 1. Too many sweets in a child's diet can make their bowel movements irregular, which can make potty training especially challenging, and 2. Edible treats as a reward can lead to eating disorders in the child's near future. I tried the stickers method, but they lost their luster after a few days, and they no longer motivated her. So, what I did was thought of a reward that had no value other than the happiness she got from a certain activity. My daughter loves throwing coins in the fountain at the mall, so what I did was I set up a bowl of pennies on the bathroom counter and put a coin purse next to it. Every time she made progress and did a good job using the potty, I put two or three pennies in the purse. I made sure she saw me do it, so that she would see that she was getting rewarded. However, the pennies-reward system only works if she gets to do what she loves to do with all coins: throw them in the fountain. So, I had to make sure I set aside time to go to the mall once a week so that she could fulfill the reward. It's a bit cumbersome, but it's only temporary, and will make life much easier for you in the long run.

• Use edible treats as a last resort; try all other reward methods (stickers, pennies, etc.) before you try treats. Recommended treats are jellybeans, M&Ms, and other bite-sized candies. Sometimes you can trick them with VitaGummies, but do not use mini or fun-size candy bars; over the course of a day, that's just too much sugar for their digestion
• Follow through with rewards. If it's a two-part reward, like the pennies, make sure you can live up to both halves, and avoid telling your child, "Well, maybe next weekend"; you could forget, and then your child will lose faith in being rewarded for progress, and he will fall back
• Remember: Give positive feedback and specific praise, and never make your child feel like he or she isn't doing it right, because they're only doing it as good as you're teaching them!

But, how do you get the ball rolling? This is the part you've been dreading. The part where I say you will have no life, no free-time, for a week. Your days will be consumed with watching over and interacting with your child constantly. This is also the part of potty training where most parents fumble; they think that they can just tell their kids to use the potty when they feel like they need to go, but it doesn't work like that. I should know, because that's what I did with my daughter while she was in Pull-Ups, before the potty training revolution. Here's what you do: On the very first day, put away the Pull-Ups, get them out of your head, and be all underwear, all the time! Get your kid excited about the variety of underwear, because most diaper brands don't offer various print designs in each pack, your child will most likely be excited about having the responsibility of decision making.

Next, begin interaction with your child immediately. Play together more than you ever had before. If you child gets tired of playing with you, let them play on their own, but stay in the same room. The reason you're gonna wanna be around your kid so much is to that you can consistently prompt them to listen to their body, feel how their lower belly is feeling, and see if they feel like pee or poop is about to come out. Every 20 minutes or so, prompt them to use the potty; don't ask, don't say, "Do you [feel like you] have to go potty?" But rather word it in a way that it is not a question, such as, "You should go sit on the potty and see if any pee-pees are about to come out." That way, they don't feel as if they're being forced to, while leaving you with the control. If you present them with a choice, they're obviously going to say, No, I'd rather keep playing than sit on the potty. If they still refuse, wait 5 minutes, then say, "Come with me," and offer them your hand. Let them bring one toy that they were already playing with, so at least they feel like they got something out of it, even if they were tricked.

Also while you're playing, expose them to the fact that they are not the only ones who have to go through this. If you, yourself, have to go, tell them that you just realized that you feel like are gonna pee, and that you are going to pee so that it goes in the toilet and not in your pants. Then, invite them to come with you, if you're not opposed to that. Having them come with you gives you a chance to suggest that they sit on their own potty, if they have one separate from the adult toilet. If not, offer the toilet for them when you are done, and give them an extra mile of encouragement by preparing their seat for them (but don't let this become a habit; later, they will need to realize that they can do this on their own!) However, I would not suggest pulling down their underwear unless they ask for your help; this can set them up for self-confidence issues later on.

Once they are seated on the potty, pick up a book and ask if they would like you to read it to them. This is also a great time to teach reading and encourage them to read to you by memory; if after you've finished the story they still haven't made in the potty, ask them to read it to you, just like when they ask you to read them a story. This buys you more time with a chance for success. By the time they're done reading the book to you, they have probably sat on the potty long enough, and you should allow them to get up if they wish. If they don't, suggest that you are going to go and continue whatever you were doing together, and they'll want to get up and continue playing. And remember, before they leave the bathroom, give them praise and perhaps a reward for doing well with the potty!

As I said earlier, it is recommended that every 20 minutes you prompt your child to use the potty. I have found that most preschool TV programs run approximately 20 minutes, so I often use that as a "timer"; I suggest to my daughter that she see if she has any pee or poop to make in the potty while the TV is on commercial. I know some parents are opposed to so much TV, but my personal living situation leaves me with few indoor resources in the evening and on too cold or rainy days.

I refuse to sugar-coat anything: kids will throw tantrums. If they give you the hardest time pulling them away from their playtime, it's time to take drastic measures. At one point, I nipped the problem in the bud by putting all of my daughter's toys in the top shelf of the closet next the the Pull-Ups. Now, she had nothing to distract her from listening to her body. Some parents say that this is cruel, but guess what? It worked. After a few hours, she didn't care that her toys were put away. She and I entertained each other verbally, and I learned so much about my daughter through her imagination. It was really great bonding time, and one of the first experiences your child could have about not taking things like toys for granted. After a few days, my daughter proved to me that she could at least try to make it to the bathroom before she had an accident, and that was enough for me to take down a few toys for her. (What? I was enjoying not having to pick up her toys!)

• Dedicate a whole week to focusing completely on your child potty training routine
• Potty-prompt every 20 minutes (Use the TV to your advantage if you like!), and give 5 minutes after refusal to offer your company in the bathroom. If they tell you to leave, then leave, but stay just outside and keep the door cracked to make sure they're not misbehaving. In this case, punishment would be acceptable
• Read a book or encourage him to read a book on his own while on the potty, for comfort and timing purposes
• Don't be afraid to play nasty and take distracting objects away from your child. Learning won't always be fun, and your child is old enough to be shown that

Going out: This involves preparedness on another level. You are used to making sure your child had diapers, wipes, a sippy, some shacks, maybe a few small toys, maybe a book, and usually a change of clothes, if there was room, not to mention all the stuff YOU needed, like your wallet, checkbook, cellphone, Chapstick, knuckle salve (don't look at me like that, I get ashy in the winter...), and whatever else compulsive mothers and fathers take with them wherever they go.

Now it is time for a complete overhaul: Number 1 - Ditch the diapers, Duh! But keep the wipes. I learned this the hard way when my daughter was playing at an indoor playspace and peed all over the equipment. Also keep the spare change of clothes, maybe two, depending on the confidence between you and your kid. If you're not OCD, and want to consolidate the clothing, stock up on neutral, universal jeans that will match whatever shirt your child is wearing, because odds are, an accident won't soil a top.

Snacks are still a must, however, by this time, your child is probably old enough to use or learn how to use a water bottle, so opt for one of those instead; if your child isn't eating, you can share the beverage without humiliation. Also, encourage the learning and use of water fountains... it's never too early to learn the benefits of free water! By now, you can probably cut back on the amount of entertainment you transport for your child. Let them pick two small items to put in the bag you carry; don't let them carry anything else, you might never see it again.

Now, consolidate your own stash! Get rid of the things you don't need, and keep the things you absolutely do! People rarely write checks anymore, so keep that in a safe for trips and things. Hang onto your wallet and cell phone... if you don't have a cell phone, then have at least two dollars worth of quarters at all times in case you need to use a payphone (but I guess nowadays those are kinds like checkbooks, too, huh?). Finally, a list of things you probably wouldn't think of until you needed them:

• Purel, or another form of antibacterial gel. As a girl, I love the Bath and Body Works AntiBac's that have those silicone holders that you can strap to the handle of a bag. I've never had a problem with them falling out
• Soap slivers. What are these? I got mine at Pier 1 Imports. You know those mint breath-freshening paper-like sheets? Well, that's the same concept as soap slivers, but it's soap, not sugar-paper
• Flushable wipes. I get Scott Naturals, because I assume their formulation is safe to use on kids, and I get the refill pack, because it's more compact. It's rude to flush non-flushable wipes down a public toilet, so personally, I wouldn't do it
• Tide To-Go Pen, or something like it. You never know if your child will have accidental runs, and you know you don't want it to stain!
• Don't forget the potty seat! Some facilities don't have a family bathroom, so bring a potty seat to go over the adult seat (again, this is where the toddler chair with removable seat comes in handy!) They also make folding toddler toilet seats, although I personally am not comfortable with my daughter sitting on the flimsy hinges (she's BIG for her age!). Because I bring a normal-sized seat, I use a large tote bag with several pockets aside from the large one that the seat goes in, so that nothing gets lost, and I don't have to remove the seat from my bag in public.

When you are away from home, you need to continue prompting your child about the potty, just as you do at home, and constantly remind her that if she feels like she's gonna make pee-pee or poopie, that she needs to tell you before she makes them in her underwear. She needs to know that potty use is still expected of her, even when she's not at home. Wear a watch so you can keep track of 20 minutes easily; it's a hassle to have to check your cell phone often for the time. When you go, suggest that she try as well, "While we're here." My daughter has been deathly afraid of the fluorescent lights in public bathrooms ever since her infancy, but at the toddler stage, consistent encouragement will break any phobia. Reassure her that you're there to hold her hand and that everything is OK. And don't forget to reward her, even when you're out; if she's not allowed to slack, neither are you! Don't set a bad example, 'cause you're only setting yourself up.


Like all things taught, lessons improve. Pay attention to the progress they make. Once they sustain a lesson for one consecutive week, cut back on the rewards. Tell them that you expect this without exception, because they have proved that they can and know how to do it. If they demand more rewards, don't give in. If they throw a tantrum because they don't get the rewards they demand, put them in a 5 minute timeout. It is important not to spank children in the potty training stage. (I'm such a hypocrite... I won't lie, cuz someone who knows me will call me out on it: I do spank my daughter when she is violently angry. But I'll pretend to be the rehabilitated druggie: DON'T SPANK YOUR KIDS!)

There will be a point where your expectations of your child are high, and you will take them to a place they love (Chuck E. Cheese's, anyone?) and what do you know? They get to excited, their excitement distracts them, and they will have an accident. The first time this happens, let it slide, but tell them if they don't listen to their body and check their bellies to see if they feel like they're gonna pee or poop, then you will have to leave, and you won't be able to come back again until they prove to you that they can at least tell you that they need to pee or poop before they have an accident. From there on out, there are no exceptions to outing accidents; you must leave immediately. If you're real ballsy, have your child sit on their soiled clothes for the ride home. Tell them that you had no extra clothes for them with you (even if it's a lie) and now they have to sit in pee and/or poop because they weren't paying attention to their bellies like you told them to. This, my friends, is called tough love.


Hopefully, that should help some of you potty training parents out there who don't quite know what to do between what all the websites are saying. If you're reading this, then like me, you did not want to spend $25 on a potty training boot camp book, and that is exactly why I wrote this. This is the method that has given me the most success, and I hope that most of you can at least take something from it and use it in your own system. Let me remind you that my method is a collection of advice from various online resources to which I cannot cite, because I am to lazy to re-find them all (I know, should've bookmarked); so, if you're reading this, and you have written a potty training article, this is where I thank you! Without you, I would probably still be cleaning poop and pee out of my carpet!